Sunday, June 1, 2014

My Dirty Little Secret

I hurt.

Not just sore muscles or stiff joints.

Despair. Misery. Torture.

And it will never go away. I have to live with it until I die.

Until I die.

I think about dying. I think that it will be a relief.

I hurt so bad that I cry. Deep in my muscles, my joints, my bones. Some days are worse than others. Today is a bad day. All I did was go out with my family and act like a normal person. Now her I am, hiding in my room, an ice pack between my shoulder blades, and tears on my cheeks.

Pain like this will take a toll on someone. On me.

I don't like to talk about it. I don't want to be "the whiner". I feel like it makes me look weak to complain about pain no one can see. So I hide it. I suck it up. And after awhile it eats me up and spits me out.

I get mean and angry. Every ache, every pain makes me feel like I am being attacked. Cornered like a wild animal and I lash out.

Some angry, vile, hateful things come out of my mouth. And then I hate myself. I have plenty to hate myself for. I can not believe some of the things I have said, or screamed, at people.

I can not believe that so many people still actually love me. How have I not scared them away? Why would they put up with me? I would not put up with me. I would have left me a long time ago.

I need help. I need pain relief. But all I get from doctors are new drugs to try. Antidepressants, antianxiety, muscle relaxers, ibuprofen. They make me feel crazy. They don't take away the pain. So they give me new one. I was once on 12 different meds at one time.

I feel hopeless. I am scared to keep trying new pills. I don't want to gain weight, or get bad acne, or go crazy again. I just want relief.

There is nothing out there that can give me complete relief. I will always be like this. Until I die. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Link Between Fructose Malabsorption and Depression.

Did you know that what you eat affects your mood? I had been told before that eating too much fructose will cause behavior issues and sadness. I wanted to write about this to get the info out there more.

I started looking around and found very valuable info on tryptophan and serotonin levels. Free fructose that hasn't been absorbed chemically interacts with the tryptophan keeping it from being absorbed as well. Our body uses tryptophan to make serotonin. Serotonin is the happiness chemical out brains need to combat depression. This would explain why SSRIs never worked for me. They are Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors. You can't inhibit the re-uptake of a chemical you didn't have in the first place.

I wanted more information so I called my daughter's Gastroenterology clinic. They said "a happy gut makes a happy brain", but they had not heard about the tryptophan and serotonin link.

Found articles:

So what I get from these articles is this:

Fructose that wasn't absorbed floats free in the gut. One of 2 things will happen. The gut bacteria will eat it and produce gas. And/Or it will chemically react to the tryptophan in the gut preventing its absorption.

Tryptophan is needed to produce serotonin. Serotonin is the chemical that makes you happy. If you are low on serotnonin your body will crave food to fill that need. People then crave sweets, carbs, fruit, etc. These are all foods that people will FM can't digest. This causes more free fructose in the gut.

So this causes a big bad circle with my kid (and me). She is moody and throws fits easy. She does act up at school but by the time she gets home she has large circles under her eyes. She eats stuff she shouldn't have at school and other places. This causes the malabsorption syndrome. She then craves foods to fill her need. She throws a fit because I am only offering chicken, potatoes etc for dinner and all she wants is donuts, cake, or kool aid. High sugar foods. Doesn't eat the food she is allowed. Still does not get the right levels of tryptophan, serotonin does not rise.

I told the GI clinic how much trouble I was having getting the school to limit my daughter's diet. They were not happy and immediately contacted the school. My daughter hates it but she has come home the last 3 school days with no circles under her eyes and in a much better mood.

Sp, people with FM, watch what you eat. It will make you happier.