I really hurt right now. I hate to admit it. I don't like to let anyone know when I am hurting. I will use blanket statements like "I am just tired today" or "I will feel better tomorrow". And most times that is true. But then I get spells like the one I am in know, where it has been more than a week, and I start to feel like a liar. The I start telling myself that I am lying to myself about getting better, I will never get better, I am cursed, etc. And then I get depressed. And then I will have more pain, and the cycle cycles on. An ever down spiral dragging into the pit of my own hell. It is so hard to break out of it.
But I had been. For a couple of years now. I felt like I was in charge of my life, like I was doing what I needed to do. I didn't have loads of energy but I was getting stuff done around the house, keeping up with it, managing the schedule. I love the feeling of not getting behind. I was doing awesome. It was so good that I felt like I was lying about being disabled.
And then..... 2 or 3 weeks ago I started falling behind. I just didn't have the energy to do that last task of the day. I thought it was because the baby was teething. He wasn't sleeping at night and it was draining on me. Then parts starting hurting much worse than they had before. And I thought maybe it was because of the hormones. They change around 6 mo postpartum, when you are breastfeeding. He was 7 months, maybe the hormones caught up to me. That would explain the hip pain and the sliding out feeling. A couple of days ago I realized that I was sad all the time too. Was this caused by the pain, the hormones, or the not doing anything?
I hate this, feeling like this. It is moments like these that make me remember just how disabled I am. I sit here thinking, hoping, that maybe one day I could be normal. Make the pain go away. I know that won't happen though. There is no cure. And so I have spiraled even further down into that thinking that takes you nowhere,
It is time for a change!
I have to jolt myself out of this thinking, this circular thinking. I need to go back to the gym. If only so that I can spend an hour by myself in the pool or at a yoga class. Sitting still and doing nothing will only make things worse. And I refuse to get that bad again.