Sunday, June 1, 2014

My Dirty Little Secret

I hurt.

Not just sore muscles or stiff joints.

Despair. Misery. Torture.

And it will never go away. I have to live with it until I die.

Until I die.

I think about dying. I think that it will be a relief.

I hurt so bad that I cry. Deep in my muscles, my joints, my bones. Some days are worse than others. Today is a bad day. All I did was go out with my family and act like a normal person. Now her I am, hiding in my room, an ice pack between my shoulder blades, and tears on my cheeks.

Pain like this will take a toll on someone. On me.

I don't like to talk about it. I don't want to be "the whiner". I feel like it makes me look weak to complain about pain no one can see. So I hide it. I suck it up. And after awhile it eats me up and spits me out.

I get mean and angry. Every ache, every pain makes me feel like I am being attacked. Cornered like a wild animal and I lash out.

Some angry, vile, hateful things come out of my mouth. And then I hate myself. I have plenty to hate myself for. I can not believe some of the things I have said, or screamed, at people.

I can not believe that so many people still actually love me. How have I not scared them away? Why would they put up with me? I would not put up with me. I would have left me a long time ago.

I need help. I need pain relief. But all I get from doctors are new drugs to try. Antidepressants, antianxiety, muscle relaxers, ibuprofen. They make me feel crazy. They don't take away the pain. So they give me new one. I was once on 12 different meds at one time.

I feel hopeless. I am scared to keep trying new pills. I don't want to gain weight, or get bad acne, or go crazy again. I just want relief.

There is nothing out there that can give me complete relief. I will always be like this. Until I die. 

2 comments:

  1. From a fellow EDSer *gentle hugs*

    I know exactly where you are coming from and how you feel, hang in there xxxx

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  2. Hugs to you. Have you looked into trying essential oils? I use doTerra essential oils and I have seen miracles from them for my health issues and for others. Hang in there xxxx

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