Thursday, November 13, 2014

Alcohol or other substances.

Why yes. I have been drinking. Why not?  All the shit I have to deal with, you would drink sometimes too. Hey! Guess what? Sometimes I smoke pot too! 

Did you know that a muscle relaxer has a more serious side effect for me? Seriously. It's crazy. Pharmaceuticals cause me more problems than a strong drink and a few hits of reefer. 

Spend a day in my shoes. Seriously, I will trade you for a day.

I suffer from constant headaches and body pain. On top of that I have constant fatigue. So, I always hurt and I am always way more tired than you could ever think of. 

Granted, I know half of what is causing me all this grief. That helps. I can medicate the cause and not just the symptom. I know that I don't get enough blood (therefore oxygen) to my brain. I take my medicine, I drink my caffeine, I drink my water with salt, I feel better. For now.

I have more appts with other departments withing the university hospital ( I am severely lucky that I get seen at a leading hospital in both EDS and FM).  Those will help me. I can only hope that they are using my info to help others. ( I mean to ask). 

In the meantime, I have issues. There is no cure for my condition. Only treatments for me and my children. It leaves a smoldering guilt behind. What did I pass on to them? If I had known, would I have had kids? 

I can't answer that. The biological need to procreate with my husband was strong. I could smell him all the time. The need to make babies. The need to be with him. I still question that. What possessed me? I have an inkling, but I still feel bad about passing down these stupid ass genes. At least, the University is taking me seriously and referring my children to their specialists. All that stuff that is wrong with me, could be addressed in them, while they are young. They could have a better hope for a future, They could go farther in life. I hold onto that. 

In the meantime, I do what I can to feel. To feel anything other than the depression, fatigue, anger, anxiety, bitchiness that fuels my life. I don't drink or anything regularly. Any med, any drug can fuck me up for a long time. It can take me days to get over something, esp stuff that lowers my blood pressure. Alcohol gives me the least amount of recovery time. I easily replace the water the next day, if I didn't while I was drinking. But a muscle relaxer lasts for 3 days! A lorazepam (Ativan) lasts me 3 days too. Fuck! 

I do what I can to be a human being. I try hard. I keep going to doctors even though I don't want to. I keep hoping for good news even though most of what I hear is "take this med for your symptoms". 

Lately, I have gotten good news and a med that helps. it doesn't take care of all the headaches. I have an appt with the headache clinic. Until then I will work with what I have , and what I have is vodka. So I drank some. It is a momentary distraction in my life that is filed with pain. I'll take it. Today. 

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