Saturday, January 24, 2015

Daily Diary

I am just going to start posting daily. Like a diary of my daily struggles. What was bad and what was good. To remind me that there are some good things in my life.

I have noticed that every time I get used to the fludrocortisone that I started getting bad again. I have started getting mean again and I hate it. That is  not the kind of mom I wanted to be ever. I have been taking time out to help me center myself and regain composure. I don't want to cause more health problems for them by over-activating their fight or flight. That could cause them more issues there.

Yesterday wasn't too bad. I got up in the morning and drug myself through the first few hours. I made breakfast and took my pills. While I was sitting down and waiting for my pills to kick in, my husband called and asked for my help. His truck was broke down out of town and he needed me to come get him so he could have it towed to the shop.

That woke me up. It was an emergency and apparently it kicked in my hormones or something bc I was wide awake and more energetic. I still struggled to get the kids dressed and out of the house but I felt good. We got there and I sat in the van while we waited for the tow truck. Everything in me was fine. Very little pain. We finished up and got home several hours later. I was tired but still keyed up. So I used that to do the dishes and wash the table and counter. I even washed and dried several loads of laundry. I made dinner. I put away left overs and then I started crashing. I felt like there was a weight pushing down on top of me. I didn't feel dizzy. I felt irritated and angry. I hated everybody and how the never help. Look at all I did and they just sat there and did nothing. My thoughts were getting increasingly agitated and out of order. I used my many years of therapy and the control gifted to me to stop myself and go to my room alone.

Unfortunately, nobody would leave me alone. It was one kid after the other coming in to bother me. I had went to my room so that I couldn't hurt my kids. I was so tired and just wanted to relax. I noticed the old verbally abusive me (not the real me, i slowly became this person within the last few years) coming out. I was yelling get the fuck out and leave me the fuck alone. I had to stop myself. Finally my husband started putting them to bed. I thought maybe now I can just relax. Well, since the kids were asleep he decided he wanted to come to bed with me and watch my show with me. At first I was irritated. But he laid so still and cuddled me just the right way. He feel asleep right next to me. It was so sweet. And finally I felt calmer. Finally, i wasn't keyed up anymore. I shut off my movie and went to sleep with him.

It was the best nights sleep. All my kids stayed asleep and in their own beds. I feel rested this morning. Well, as rested as I usually feel which isn't very rested.

I just have to hold on until Feb 6th. Then I get to see the endocrinologist. Maybe he can fix me. I desperately need to be fixed. I want to be the calm loving mother I was all the time. I don't want this overtired bitch ruining my delicate kids. Their endocrine systems are delicate too. 

No comments:

Post a Comment