Friday, May 8, 2015

Ghosts of my Old Self.



 Yesterday was glorious. Legendary. A day like I haven't had in 20 years. And I did so much stuff.

I felt confident, happy, and energetic. My muscles were working right and hardly hurt. My joints felt sturdy. I worked all day in the garden with my husband. I avoided the really hard work of vigorously shoveling, pushing the wheelbarrow, or carrying the huge bags of mulch. My husband was just surprised I was even outside and helping. I felt fantastic. I crawled around in the dirt on my hands and knees, getting my hands and knees caked with mud, working. WORKING. Physically working.

Looking back it feels like a dream. I know it was real though. I can feel every muscle in my body right now. Each of them screaming with their own pain. All of my joints creaking and groaning, complaining. The fatigue was bad. I would do it all over again. I have plans to do stuff like that all summer. I found something that makes me feel hugely better. It is 280 mg of caffeine in a little shot bottle. It has all kinds of b vitamins and some propriety blend with tyrosine in it. I had very little anxiety, very little pain, no fatigue, no headache, a general alertness, and a pleasant disposition. It was ecstasy. I don't know if it was the vitamins with the caffeine or if it was just the huge amount of caffeine all at once, but I want to do it again.

For a whole day I felt like a real human being. I felt alive.

I have plans this summer and I want to be able to participate in them. I want to live. I want to keep living again this winter to, so I am going to do my best to get everyone in shape before then. The kids are all signed up for camp, swimming lessons, and physical therapy. On top of that, I want to help fix up the house we need to move into. It needs lots of work done and I want to help. I always loved helping with that kind of stuff. I want to go camping and actually do more than just sit in a chair, or sit in the canoe, or otherwise not be a part of the fun. I want to row the canoe, help set up camp, and go on hikes. I want to swim laps and play at the beach. I want to do all of that and be able to keep all the clothes, sleeping bags, and rest of the house clean. And I want to be nice while I do it, enjoying the company of my children and husband. Cherishing them. Smiling when they talk to me. I want to enjoy living. Simple, right?

The anxiety really let up the last 3 days since I started hyper caffeinating. It seems like it would be the opposite. You would think my heart would race, my chest would hurt, and the anxiety would get worse, but it got better. When I went back to the store where I had bought them, I found they had them on sale for 75c each. I bought 36 of them and will buy more if they still have them the next time I am there. I will accomplish my goals this summer. The fixing the house thing and moving into it, is the huge thing. That has to get done no matter what. That will happen on the weekends when he isn't at work. The only way we will accomplish this is if I can put in almost the same amount of work that he does. During the week I will concentrate on the appointments and swimming lessons. All of the kids have shown an interest in helping, which is great, but I am still hoping I will be able to  get grandparents to take the kids at least half the time. Both of them are heading into retirement so it looks like it could happen. That would be awesome. Then it will almost feel like going back to work.

Now there's a dream. Going back to work would be a miracle. It would be a dream come true.

So while I wait for the doctors to catch up to me, I will continue to self medicate. I found a thing to get me going, I have icy hot, ice packs, muscle relaxers, lorazepams, all the different vitamins, essential oils, and gatorade mix. All I really need now is a way to treat the pain. I will still have pain sometimes, like when a storm is coming or I injure myself. I need to figure out what I am willing to take or try. I suppose I will see how bad it gets. All I really know is that I can't continue to be a lump on the couch, yelling angrily at life as it passes me by. Bitter and angry. That is no way to live.


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