Sunday, November 8, 2015

3 months out. The Universe sends me lessons on forgiving myself.

I always feel guilty going to church, mostly because my son had asked for me to take him with me a few months before his suicide. I had told him I was taking a break for the summer because of all the drama that had been going on. I had told him that I would be going back to teach RE classes and I would be happy to pick him up then. They starter up less than a month after he died.

I feel guilty and I blame myself every day for not having done more, for not having seen more, realized more, been more. I blame my illness for the way it affects my brain and my energy. What it took away from me as a person and a mother and I get drug down into all the negative things that happened his entire life. I forget all the good things that happened. I forget about all the medical issues he had that led to this that I was unaware of. It is so easy to get sucked down into the everything that I did wrong. Because he is gone. He is dead. He was my son, a part of me, my blood, my bone, a piece of my soul and I didn't do everything I needed to in order to keep him alive. Looking back I can see everything I missed and failed to do. At the time, though, I couldn't see. I couldn't see what was really going on. Was I in shock? I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything anymore.

I kept my promise to keep teaching RE at the UU church. I have been doing so for maybe 5 years. It is the way I contribute to the church since I can't give money or anything else. My children need the program. My son attended quite a few programs there and "bridged" out of RE. I am convinced that it helped him be a better person.

I still feel guilty every time I pull up in front of the church. He had just moved to that side of town 4 months before his death. Every time I drive to church I pass the building he worked at and I know that while I am at church I am only a few blocks from where he had been living and where he took his own life. Over and over again, my mind circles through guilt and blame. I am here and he is gone. Forever. I have to learn how to live the rest of my life without him. I have to learn ow to laugh again and feel joy again. Not for my sake but for my other children's sake. They need to live.

And so I found myself at church today, teaching class. I hadn't read the lesson before hand. I never do. It was about forgiveness.

This part was the biggest thing to me and I almost started crying. I could not get too far through this for the kids but I did not break down in front of them.


"From the website A View on Buddhism .

Give children a moment each time you ask them to picture someone new.

Read aloud the words you want children to say silently to themselves one phrase at a time, with pauses in between.

Picture yourself in your mind. As you breathe in and out, repeat these words silently to yourself:

I forgive myself for whatever I did, on purpose or by accident.

May I be happy, free of confusion, understand myself and the world.

May I help others to be happy, free of confusion, and full of understanding.

Now picture in your mind a person you love and want to forgive.

As you breathe in and out, repeat these words silently to yourself:

From my heart, I forgive you for whatever you did, on purpose or by accident.

May you be happy, free of confusion, and understand yourself and the world.

Please forgive me for whatever I did to you, on purpose or by accident.

May we open our hearts and minds to meet in love and understanding.

Try to feel the warmth of the healing between you.

Now picture in your mind someone you have hurt.

As you breathe in and out, repeat these words silently to yourself:

Please forgive me for whatever I did to you, on purpose or by accident.

May you be happy, free of confusion, and understand yourself and the world.

Please forgive me for whatever I did to you, on purpose or by accident.

May we open our hearts and minds to meet in love and understanding.

Try to feel the warmth of the healing between you.

Now picture in your mind a person you do not like very much.

As you breathe in and out, repeat these words silently to yourself:

Please forgive me for whatever I did to you, on purpose or by accident.

May you be happy, free of confusion, and understand yourself and the world.

Please forgive me for whatever I did to you, on purpose or by accident.

May we open our hearts and minds to meet in love and understanding.

Try to feel the warmth of the healing between you."

I need to keep this in my mind. 

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